Scowling ferociously, Matt punched the letters on his keyboard as if they'd personally offended him, muttering threats and insults the whole time. "What the fuck do you know, pathetic little fucking bitch..."

He sat with his arms folded and glared at the screen, waiting for a response, not noticing Jeff stride into the room behind him. Apparently the response when it came was not favourable.

"Oh yeah?" Matt exploded, banging his fist on the desk. "Well, at least I can fucking spell, you retarded little whore! I bet you're fucking ugly." He nearly jumped a mile in the air when Jeff's hand slapped him on the shoulder.

Jeff watched Matt's reaction with great amusement. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're annoyed about something."

"Don't fucking do that, I thought you'd have learned your lesson about sneaking up on me after that time I accidentally repeatedly punched you in the face."

"It seemed pretty much like your usual way of saying hello to me." Jeff leaned to his left, trying to see around Matt who appeared to be attempting to block his brother's view. He could tell because Matt had splayed his hands across the screen.

"Yes, well, next time I won't drop the barbell first." Matt got up, turned and sat against the edge of the table, doing what he thought was a great job of acting nonchalant.

"So... whatcha doin'?"

"Nothing." Matt put on the innocent expression he'd practised so much when Vince had caught him chasing Adam around an arena with a bottle of bleach and a funnel, generously offering to show him an improvement on colonic irrigation Matt had invented just for him.

"Do you have wind or something?"

Matt scowled. It figured that Jeff wouldn't recognise innocence - little bastard was about as innocent as Genghis Khan. "No, jackass, but if you stay much longer I'm probably in danger of catching stupid. There's this thing called 'privacy'..."

"Oh really?" Jeff put his hands on his hips. "You discover privacy now? You took photocopies of my diary and sent them to Star magazine, and now all of a sudden you want privacy? Fuck that."

"You look like a rent boy when you stand like that."

"Stop trying to change the subject." Jeff set about trying to push Matt away from the computer. "C'mon, man, let me see."

"It's none of your business!" Matt was embarrassed to hear his voice getting increasingly shrill and made an effort to put some bass into it. "Just fuck off, okay?"

Jeff sighed heavily. "It hurts me that you don't trust me. After everything we've been through... I've always been there for you. I thought I'd earned a little trust by now."

"Don't bother trying to pull that shit, I wasn't born yesterday. Plus, your guilt trips are crap." Matt repositioned himself in front of the screen.

"Fine," Jeff said resignedly, hanging his head. He watched under his lashes as Matt started to relax his guard. "I only came over to see if you knew where my blue shirt was. You know, the one you always say is ugly because you're jealous that I look great in it, but you look stupid because it makes your skin look so yellow people think you've fallen face-first into a bucket of bile."

Matt narrowed his eyes but decided to ignore the insult; if it got rid of Jeff faster, it was worth it. "I think it's in th-"

Matt was very surprised to find Jeff barrelling into his chest at full speed, and even more surprised to find his head connecting with the wall. He staggered a little as Jeff sauntered back to the computer, shaking his head to try and dislodge the feeling that his brain had been wrapped in unusually sharp cotton wool.

"Ugh, your surfing habits have really gone downhill. I expected to find you looking at amputee midget porn again, not fanfic sites, for Christ's sake."

Matt raised his hand in front of his face, wondering why he'd never noticed he had seven fingers on it before.

"And this is really BAD fanfic too."

"It is not bad fanfic," Matt snapped, whipping his head around to face his brother and regretting it when he had to fight to maintain his balance. "I think you'll find it's actually very good."

"Seriously, why the fuck are you looking at this crap? You know as well as I do that fanfic is just the result of sickly fantasising by sad, overweight teenage girls who can't get laid. It's all pointless shit."

"Some people have good reasons for writing fanfic," Matt objected. "Not everyone is as easily pigeon-holed as you like to make out."

Jeff glanced round at his stumbling brother. "Why're you so defensive of it all of a sudden? Have you developed a crush on whatever demented bitch wrote this trash or something?"

"Yes!" Matt seized on the explanation gleefully. "I couldn't help it, she was so nice about me. Not like all those skanks who write about you."

"Uh, Matt?" Jeff was staring at the screen intently. "You wrote this yourself, didn't you?"

Flushing a shade of scarlet that clashed horribly with Jeff's hair (Jeff claimed it was 'pillarbox red'; Matt claimed it was 'period crimson'), Matt tried very hard to mix his innocent expression with his offended expression. The result seemed to be his rabid duck expression. "Of course not! Why would you even think that?"

"Because it's all in one enormous paragraph and every other sentence ends with 'HA!'"

"It looked very well-formatted to me..."

"And also because right here you're talking about your brother, the 'cocksucking little bastard who stole my limelight and told all the chicks I had crabs, even though he's the one who caught them from some skanky ringrat, which surprised me because I thought he was a raving queer, HA!'" Jeff faced Matt questioningly.

"Maybe she met me once and I mentioned it."

Jeff glared. "Do you habitually mention my unfortunate pubic lice incident to random fans?"

"Not habitually. And not to random ones, just the hot ones."

"Goddammit, I knew there was a reason why suddenly the only women who hit on me were the ones who looked like Flair!"

"Dude, no, that was Flair."

Jeff wrinkled his nose in pain at the memory. "Bastard, why would you go round telling people something like that?"

Matt mentally sifted through his expression collection; he settled on 'pious and self-righteous'. "Well, someone has to be your moral guardian. Left to your own devices you'd have shafted half the good looking female population of America, you filthy manwhore. And you did it to me first."

"If I jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?" Jeff asked facetiously.

"No," Matt sneered, "I'd point and laugh."

"And going back to the subject at hand, you wrote fanfic about yourself, you crazy bastard,"

Matt flushed. "Shut up, it was just an exercise in improving my writing."

"Well it didn't fucking work, this is awful." Jeff started reading the atrocity on the screen before him again.

"It is NOT, it's very good."

"Jesus, Matt," Jeff said as he read on, "it gets worse! You haven't just written fic about yourself - you've Mary Sued yourself."

"Well, what the hell else was I supposed to write about?" Matt asked defensively.

"You narcissistic fucker!"

"SHUT UP. You know no more about this than those fuckwitted bitches. Fat, talentless skanks."

Jeff grinned. "You mean all these girls who've left reviews telling you how crap this is?"

"Yeah! Retards."

"'Dear matthasahugetool74,'" Jeff read aloud. "'You suck. Your characterisation is ridiculous - Matty would never treat a girl so disrespectfully. He's a sweet, gentle man, but you make him out to be some sort of sex-obsessed Neanderthal. Matty would be offended if he ever read this trash. You should be ashamed of yourself for making him so nasty and perverse. I don't even know what a Roman shower is and I'm sure Matty doesn't either, and the less said about the scene with the turkey and the midget the better.'"

"Uptight bitch, it's no wonder she can't get laid."

"What's this about a scene with a turkey and a midget?"

Matt stuck his nose in the air. "It was a very clever plot device."

"So it wasn't just an excuse for you to combine two of your favourite fetishes?"

"Man, that bitch even had a problem with the scene where I fucked the heroine's mother."

Jeff snorted, shaking his head. "Your problem is you don't know your audience."

"They're people with tits, what's to know?"

"Matt, you're dealing with hordes of emotionally immature fourteen-year-old girls, not your friends from the Hot Teen Lesbians board."

"That explains why you seem to identify with them then..."

"They want romance," Jeff continued, ignoring Matt's attempt to bait him.

"Hey, I kissed her after the rimjob!"

"Oh come on, your average Mary Sue is going to run a fucking mile at the mere mention of a rimjob."

"And I suppose you could do better?" Matt asked indignantly.

"Of course I could, on account of I'm not socially retarded. Unlike some people who shall remain nameless, but here's a hint - it's you."

Matt folded his arms across his chest. "Well, go on then, smartass."

"What? You are joking, right?"

"What's wrong? Afraid these frigid bitches will see you for the hack you are? You know you couldn't do as well as me, admit it."

"Get real Matt, I have no desire to write about you having some sappy relationship with one of our deranged stalkers -"

"Bullshit, you know they'd prefer my fic to yours. I'm better than you and you couldn't write a better story than me. Just come clean about it." Matt gloated, wearing his 'perfect but modest' expression.

"Listen, you smarmy cocksucker," Jeff snarled, "not wanting to write about my own brother's love life doesn't mean I couldn't do it as well as you, it -"

"I'm better than Je-eff, I'm better than Je-eff," Matt chanted, accompanying it with the dance of victory. He decided he should invent an expression of victory later too.

"Fine, you're on!" Jeff yelled. "I'll make you the most sensitive, lovable man any insane adolescent could want!"

"I bet you fuck it up."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well I'm not gonna."

"Bet you are."

"Bet I'm not."

"Bet you are, spaz."

"Bet I knock your teeth down your throat."

Matt sat in front of his computer screen, seething with rage.

"...and after all this, Jeffrina, I know I could never live without you. I'd rather die than be without you for a single second ever again."

"Oh Matty, if I had to go through it all again, the WWE tryout, the accident, being raped by your entire family, the miscarriage, the suicide attempt, the kidnapping and almost being killed by that murderous gang you rescued me from single-handedly, I'd do it all, just to be here with you now."

"I've been thinking Jeffrina... I know we talked about sex. But if it's okay with you, I'd like to wait... until we're married." Pulling out a small box, Matt sank to one knee, taking one of Jeffrina's perfect hands in his.

"Matty!" Tears sprang to Jeffrina's soulful, emerald gaze. "Are you asking..."

"Jeffrina," Matt smiled, brushing a gentle kiss to the back of her lovely fingers as he flipped the ring box open, "will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"Oh Matty! Of course I will!"

And Jeffrina flung herself into her Matty's arms, where she would remain for the rest of her days.

THE END

Feeling quite traumatised by having to sit through such painfully sickly, saccharine crap, Matt forced himself to scroll down to look at the comments Jeff's story had garnered.

Dear mattisahugetool77,

I almost didn't read this because your name is very similar to another girl's - she wrote the most horribly offensive things about Matty, and for a second I thought you were her. But this was wonderful! You have Matty's character down perfectly, so sweet and supportive and shy - just like the real Matty! When he told Jeffrina he wanted to raise the babies as his own I was so happy, and then when she miscarried the twins I could feel how devastated he was. I cried at the end, it was such an amazing story! You're so talented. You should write more!

MVP strolled cheerfully along the arena corridor, humming to himself. He loved pay per views - he loved all the guys being together for a few hours. Everyone happy and smiling and carefree and -

"When I get hold of you, Jeffrina, you're going to wish computers had never been invented! I'm going to rip your intestines out through your nostrils!"

Hmm, that demented screeching sounded a lot like Matt Hardy.

"Just you wait, you little fucker, let's see you type your twee, libellous bullshit when I've dissolved all your fingers in acid!"

Yep, definitely Matt.

On cue, Jeff sprinted round the corner, looking justifiably terrified. When he saw MVP he skidded to a halt. He shoved something into Montel's hand.

"For the love of God, don't let him get his hands on this! I tried to give it to Adam, but he started twitching as soon as he saw it."